Get A Clue!
by Lady Isla
Summary: Batman's villains star in the film, Clue! Six guests are invited to a dinner... and a murder.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Batman villains. They belong to DC. I don't even own the movie, "Clue".

**Note:** I haven't seen many of the episodes. So please forgive me if some of the characters here may act a little bit OOC.

**Get A Clue!**

**Prologue**

The residents of Arkham Asylum found themselves in a movie set. They looked around, all clueless.

"Riddle me this, riddle me that, where are we?" The Riddler asked.

"Ooh! Ooh! I think we are abducted by the evil little men from Mars and we are being held here for ransom!" The Joker said, bursting out laughing. Poison Ivy gave Harley Quinn an odd look.

Suddenly, a teenaged girl steps out from the shadows.

"Hello there," she greeted them with the grin.

"Hey, who are you? And why are we brought here?" Harley asked, eyeing the girl suspiciously.

"My name is Isla. You are brought here for a very important reason," the girl replied. "You are here… to star in a movie!"

They all looked at her as if she is crazy.

"REALLY?" the Mad Hatter gasped with delight. "Are we starring in Alice in Wonderland?"

"Nope," Isla said.

"The Birds?" The Penguin asked.

"Nuh-uh."

"Sleepy Hollow?" The Scarecrow asked.

"Close."

"… Pretty Woman?" asked Killer Croc. Everyone stares at him. He gave them a glare. "What?"

"No! You guys are going to star in Clue!"

All of them groaned, except Joker, he is rubbing his hands together with glee.

Isla starts handing out everyone their scripts. "Here are your scripts. Don't forget to memorize your lines."

"What's in for us?" Two-Face asked, flipping his coin. She smiles deviously.

"If all you play in this movie, I'll let you have a two-month Batman-free vacation in Hawaii... free."

"Sounds good enough for me," Ivy said.

Two-Face flipped his coin and it landed in heads.

"Okay, I'm in," he said finally.

"Excellent," Isla said, mimicking Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. "Now, here are the people you are playing."

Cast:

Wadsworth – Two-Face/Harvey Dent

Colonel Mustard – Mad Hatter/Jervis Tetch

Mrs. White – Poison Ivy/Pamela Isley

Mrs. Peacock – Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot

Mister Green – Riddler/Edward Nygma

Professor Plum – Scarecrow/Jonathan Crane

Miss Scarlet – Harley Quinn

Mister Boddy - Joker

Yvette – Catwoman/Selina Kyle

"WHAAT!" the Penguin squawked. Literally. "Why am I playing a female role!"

Isla shrugs her shoulders. "I have no other choices for you."

"At least you're not playing a French maid!" Catwoman pouted, glaring at the penguin man.

"Memorize your scripts, folks. We have a long day tomorrow."

And with an evil grin, she disappears into the shadows. There was silence in the group.

"Is it just me, or is it that girl has a few loose screws?" Riddler asked.

Well, what do you think? I'm sorry if this is a bit short, but I'll make the next chapter longer. I promise!

Please leave a review… (gives you puppy eyes)


	2. Chapter 1: Here Comes the Victims

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Batman: The Animated Series, and Clue.

**Chapter 1: Here Comes the Victims -- I Mean, Guests!**

"Okay, guys; let's start our film with a bang!" Isla shouted. Then she added, "Drop that gun, Joker…"

"Why do we have to wear these costumes?" Crane asked. He was looking aghast of the costume he's wearing. "Shouldn't we just wear our usual attire?"

"Sorry, you can't," Isla said. "Okay then… LIGHTS! CAMERA! And…. ACTION!"

It was a dark night, and we hear thunder rumbling in the distance. Then we zoom down to see a half black and half white car coming down the road, and then it hit a deer --

"BAMBI!" Isla cried.

Two-Face's car continues traveling through the wind of an oncoming storm. It pulls up to the gate of Arkham House. It is a large, imposing mansion, looking very Wayne Manor. Two-Face takes out a key and unlocks the gate. He drives the car up to the front door.

He exits the car, holding a bag. He hears a growl and turns to see two growling hyenas.

"You have got to be kidding me," Two-Face said to himself.

"My babies!" Harley squealed off-screen.

The hyenas (I forgot their names. Was it Bud and Lou?) approach Two-Face and they began to jump on him.

"Back!" he cried. He quickly pulls a big beef bone out of the bag and hurls it to them.

Bud and Lou trot away to gnaw on the bone as Two-Face shortens their chain so it won't allow them to reach the door. He steps toward the door and pauses. Then he checks the bottom of his feet.

"Damn hyenas," he growled. He looks in disgust at the hyenas, who aren't bothered at all.

He opens the front door of Arkham House and wipes off his foot.

He enters and hangs up his coat. The hall is elegant but not gaudy. It is furnished in dark wood, and brass, with crystal chandeliers. We hear "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" in the background.

Two-Face steps briskly down the hall steps toward the library. The library's walls are covered with books, with the exception of one wall, and a window.

Selina Kyle AKA Catwoman is polishing a glass. The music is much louder. Two-Face enters and turns off the record player. The music stops.

"I was listening to that," she said, glaring at him. Then she added, "And stop looking at my breasts!"

Indeed, the villain had been looking at her attire for quite sometime and her bosoms were busting out a bit. Of I was guy, I'd drool, but I'm not so…

"Is everything ready?" he asked, glancing away from her chest and to her face.

"Oui, monsieur," Selina replies in a perfect French accent.

"You have your instructions?"

"Yes."

Two-Face then exits. Selina sniffs the air, and then examines the bottom of her shoes.

"Was that Harvey?" she said, disgusted. "Ew."

"Thanks a lot," he said in a sarcastic tone.

In the kitchen, Killer Croc, the cook, is sharpening a knife. While listening to the television in the background. Two-Face enters.

"Is everything all right, Croc?" he asked. Croc turns, knife in hand.

"Dinner will be ready at seven-thirty," he told him. Two-Face kept his glaring eyes on the knife.

"If you don't point that thing away from me, I'll break your neck. Twice," he stated.

"Sorry, buddy, but I have the knife," smiled Killer Croc.

"Curse it; he's right."

Then the doorbell rings and Two-Face quickly exits the kitchen before he became shish-kabobbed.

A man wearing a top hat and a yellow coat is standing by the front door, being growled at by the hyenas.

"Nice hyenas," Jervis Tetch said nervously. Two-Face opens the door.

"Good evening," he greeted in a bored voice.

"Evening, old chap!" Tetch greeted back. "I don't know if --"

"Yes, indeed, sir, you are expected, Colonel. May I take your coat? It is Colonel Mad Hatter, isn't it?"

Tetch came inside. He didn't look pleased. "No, it's not, you jabberwocky! My name is --"

Two-Face raises a hand. "Of course it is, so shut up. Tonight you may well feel obliged to my employer for the use of an alias."

Then he closes the door. The Mad Hatter sniffs around and checks his shoe as Two-Face hangs his coat.

"Was that you, Harv?" he asked. Two-Face glares at him. The pair starts across the hall.

"Pardon me, but who are you?" Tetch asked again.

"I am Two-Face, sir," he replies. Then he added in a scornful tone, "The butler."

Joker burst out his trademark laugh. Isla tries to shush him, but she ends up laughing too. Soon everyone, except Harvey Dent, on the set began to laugh. The thought of making a dangerous villain of Batman doing housework brought can bring silly ideas to one's head.

"Harvey 'Two-Face' Dent as a butler!" Isla hooted. This remark made everyone laugh harder.

Two-Face takes out his coin.

"Heads, I let her live; tails, she dies," he whispered to himself. He flips in the coin in the air and it landed on his palm. He looks at it and grew disappointed.

As soon as everyone is done finishing laughing, Two-Face leads Tetch to the library. As soon they entered, Selina is pouring wine a glass.

"Selina, will you attend to Tetch and give him anything he requires." Then Two-Face glances at the both of them. "Within reason, that is."

The he exits, closing the doors behind him. The doors have books on the back of them, and they look like a part of the wall.

"Oh, Two-Face, I was…" Tetch began but he discovers the doors have disappeared. Then he looks back at the maid.

"So… Do you have any tea?" he asked sweetly.

The bell rings again. A woman dressed in white is standing alone. Two-Face opens the door and he smiles when he saw who it was.

"Pamela," he hissed nastily.

"Hello, Harvey," Poison Ivy greeted him. "It's nice to see you _halfway _decent."

"Please come in. You are expected."

"Do you know who I am? Besides knowing my real name?"

"Only that you are to be known as Mrs. Ivy."

Ivy steps in. "Yes, it said so in the letter. But… why?"

Two-Face removes her coat, with a brilliant elegance. Ivy sniffs and checks her shoe.

"I know you always look bad, Harvey; but I didn't know you smell bad," she said. Two-Face frowns.

Meanwhile, Tetch is sipping tea and glancing at Selina with maddened lust…

"I do not!" Tetch screamed. The doors suddenly open and the left door slammed right into Tetch. Poor guy.

Two-Face and Ivy enter. "May I introduce you? Mrs. Ivy, this is Selina, the maid."

The two women react with disgust.

"I see you know each other."

Ivy turns away as Tetch emerges from behind the door.

"Hello!" Tetch greeted.

"Hello," Ivy mumbles.

"Mumbler!" Isla teased.

Somewhere down in the road, a slim woman with blonde pigtails and wearing a red dress is standing by her broken down car. An owl can be heard. She gives the car a good kick.

"Stupid thing!" Harley growls, obviously frustrated. She kicks the car again.

"CAR ABUSER!" Isla cried, pointing an accusing finger at her.

Thunder roars in the distance. Harley sees headlights a short way away. "Oooh, I think I'll get a ride," she said thoughtfully, and she began to smooth her dress.

As the car nears, she bends over the engine and lifts a leg. Joker wolf-whistles.

The car screeches to a halt just past her and backs up. Harley goes to the car and peers in.

"Want a lift?" came Jonathan Crane's voice in the driver's seat.

"Hiya, Professor Crane! Nice costume."

Crane seethed. "Why is my suit purple! I look like Joker without his make-up!"

Joker gasped mocked shock, and clutches his chest. "You cut me deep, Johnny boy," he said, faking a pain. "You cut me really deep."

Harley gets in the car and sat next to Crane, who was wearing a bright purple suit. (Snickers)

"Thanks!" she thanked him. "I'm late for a dinner date."

"Wow. Me too," he said in monotone voice. "Where are you going?"

"Lemme see…" Harley pulls out a sheet of paper. "Arkham House. Off Route 41."

"Wait a minute. Let me look at that."

Crane takes the paper and looks at it.

"That's where I'm going. I got a letter like this."

Harley looked stunned as him. "Woooow!"

The rain starts. The windshield wipers start as the car pulls away.

Back at the house…

"And this is Mr. Penguin," announced Two-Face. Penguin is wearing a tuxedo with a blue vest.

"How do you do?" Tetch greeted him, while holding a tea cup.

"Hello," Ivy mumbles again.

"MUMBLER!" Isla shouted.

"Selina," Two-Face turns to the feline maid, "will you go and check that dinner will be ready as soon as all the guests have arrived? Oh, watch out for Croc and his knife."

She nods as she gives Penguin his cognac. Penguin stares wide-eyed at her exposed cleavage.

"What knockers," he whispers. (1)

She gives him a glare the exits the library.

The doorbell rings again. Outside, it is now raining hard. Nygma is standing at the door. The hyenas are growling.

"Nice hyenas," he said nervously.

Two-Face opens the door. Nygma turns to him.

"Is this the right address to meet Mr. Joker?" he asked.

"No, this is Bruce Wayne's address," Two-Face replied sarcastically. "Of course, this is Mr. Joker's address! You must be Mr. Riddler."

"In the flesh," he smirked.

One of the hyenas growled when it saw Two-Face.

"Sit!" he commanded to the hyena.

Nygma frantically sits on a bench by the door. Everyone laughs at his reaction.

"No. Not you, sir," Two-Face told him.

"Oh… I knew that."

"Riiight."

Nygma sheepishly gets up and enters the house.

Back at the road…

"It should be just off there," Harley spoke.

"Listen, child, who is driving this car? I am!" Crane growls.

"Jeesh, you don't like your character at all, right."

"I despise it." Then the car stopped. Crane looks up. "That must be it."

From the view in front of the gate, lightning crashes, illuminating the house. In other words, the house looked creepy.

"Why is the car stopped?" Harley asked.

"It's frightened," Crane replied.

"A typical answer from the Master of Fear himself," Isla commented.

The car is started again and it rolls up the driveway.

Back in the library…

Selina gave Nygma his drink. Lightning crashes, making the latter gulp.

In the driveway…

Crane and Harley exit their car and run for the front door.

"What a forsaken place!" Crane states; as Harley dries herself off, his hand reaches behind her and squeezes one of her buttocks. She gasps.

"Pervert!" she screams and slaps his face. On cue, the door opens, revealing Two-Face.

"Professor Scarecrow! Miss Quinn! I didn't realize you were acquainted."

Harley glances at Crane. "We weren't."

They enter.

Back in the library…

"May I present Professor Scarecrow . . . and Miss Quinn?" Two-Face announced.

They look at Crane's costume and they stifled their giggles. Crane glares. Harley brightens up when she saw Ivy.

"Red, it's you! It's nice to see your friendly face at last!" she remarks happily.

"What, you mean this face isn't friendly too?" Nygma asked, looking hurt.

Joker sighs off-screen.

"He's got guts," he began, "calling that thing on his head a 'face'."

Tetch choked on his tea, Ivy grins, and Penguin burst out a bird-like chuckle; Nygma was staring at the Joker with dagger eyes.

"When I first saw it," Joker continues, "I thought it looks like the cat I ran-over that day."

"Watch it, Joker," Nygma growls.

Crane and Harley receive wine glasses from Selina. The Master of Fear's eyes traveled all over her body.

"Why is everybody looking at my chest!" Selina shouts.

Crane ignores her and clinks glasses with Harley.

"Of course, since you've each been addressed by a pseudonym, you'll have realized that nobody here is being addressed by their real name," Two-Face stated.

"Well, duh!" they all said in unison.

In the hall, Killer Croc bangs a gong. Nygma jumps at the sound, dumping his champagne on Penguin.

"Ah, dinner," Two-Face said calmly. Then he began leading the guests out of the room.

Nygma hands Penguin his glass, starts to mop his suit up as the birdman clucks. No pun intended.

"I'm sorry, I'm a little accident-prone," he apologizes.

"You nincompoop, this is a brand new suit!" Penguin yells at him.

(1) – A line from "Young Frankenstein".

Review please! No flames!


	3. Chapter 2: Dinner

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Batman: The Animated Series, and Clue.

**Chapter 2: Dinner**

The Rogues, er… guests cross to the dining room.

"I wonder what we are having?" Harley asked out loud.

"It better not be anything to do with plants." Poison Ivy shuddered at the thought.

The dining room is elegant, and comfortable. However, the room is small. At one end, there is a door and a metal partition, both leading to the kitchen. The guests file in.

"You'll find your names beside your places," Two-Face said. "Please be seated."

They, except for Jervis Tetch, find their places and sit. Here's the order: Ivy, Crane, Penguin sit on one side, while Nygma, Harley, and Tetch (who will be) sit on the other side.

Tetch turns to Harvey Dent as indicates the head of the table. "Is this place for you?"

"Oh, indeed, no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler," Two-Face replied in a rather bored voice.

"And what exactly do you do?" Tetch asked.

"I buttle, sir."

"Buttle isn't a word!"

"Sure it is, look up in the dictionary."

Edward Nygma AKA the Riddler takes out a small dictionary from his pocket. He flips through several pages.

"He's right," he said. "Buttle _is_ a word. It means, 'to serve a butler'."

"I don't have 'buttle' in _my_ dictionary," Crane said, holding up his own pocket dictionary.

"Then your dictionary is incomplete!" Joker giggled.

Isla snaps her fingers. "Let's get back to the movie, people!"

"Which means what?" Tetch continues his line.

"The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room," Two-Face explains, "I keep everything . . . tidy. That's all."

Tetch attempts to continue but he took his seat.

"Well," Penguin began, "what's all this about, butler; this dinner party?"

"'Ours is not to reason why . . . Ours is but to do and die'." Two-Face recited as he smirked.

Crane looks up. "Die"?

"Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson," Two-Face told him. "I hope I didn't scare you, Jonathan."

"I was never scared!" Crane shouted. A few people coughed in their hands, muttering, "Yeah, right."

"Hm," Tetch scoffed. I prefer Lewis Carroll, myself…"

"CUT!" Isla suddenly shouted. "Jervis, in this movie, you prefer KIPLING. Not CARROLL."

Tetch whispers, no doubt the line "Off with her head!" under his breath. He broke into a forced smile before he began to talk.

"I prefer _Kipling_ (at this line, he threw a dirty glare at Isla)… The female of the species is more deadly than the male."

Harley and Poison Ivy both smirked, and it was making the men, mainly Nygma and Tetch, nervous.

Tetch turns to Harley. "You like Kipling, Miss Quinn?"

"Sure, I'll eat anything!" she said cheerfully.

Selina Kyle enters carrying a tray.

"Oh, look! The kitty stripper-turned-maid is here!" Nygma grinned, as he points a finger at her direction.

"I wouldn't point that finger if I were you, Edward," Selina growled. Then she turns to Penguin. "Sharks' Fin Soup, Monsieur."

"It's not really made out of sharks, right?" he asked with nervous chuckles.

"So is this for our host?" Tetch asked Two-Face again, indicating the head chair.

"No, sir. For the seventh guest, Mr. Joker," Two-Face replied as he served the trays.

"I thought Mr. Boddy was our host?" Ivy wondered.

"So do I!" the guests all concur.

"You mean, Mistah J is guest of his own home?" Harley gasped in surprise.

Ivy looks at Harvey Dent. "So who is our host, Mr. Two-Face?"

He chuckles with a closed smile.

Crane then clasps his thin hands together. "Well, I want to start, while it's still hot."

"Impatient, are we?" commented Penguin. "Shouldn't we wait for the other guest?"

"I will keep something warm for him," Selina told the bird man.

"What did you have in mind, dear?" Harley asked a hint of jealously in her tone.

There is silence at the table.

Crane AKA the Scarecrow slurps the soup from his spoon.

"The soup is quite good," he tells to the other guests.

Ivy disapproves, and then does the same thing. Tetch, Harley, and Nygma stare at them, spoons poised near mouths. Soon everyone began to eat their fill as Two-Face and Selina leave the room.

After a while, Penguin puts down his spoon and began wiping his mouth.

"Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me," he began breathlessly. "I mean, I'm used to being a host; it's part of my wife's work, and it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time to get acquainted, so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling . . . I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here, or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself and I'm very intrigued and oh, my, this soup's delicious isn't it?

He said this all non-stop. Everyone sits bewildered. Harley claps silently.

"You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?" Ivy questioned.

"Sure, it's an integral part of your life when you are the husband of a. . ." Penguin stopped talking. "Oh, but then I forgot we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens to Cock Robin, I don't know why."

"I know who you are," Nygma suddenly spoke up. He couldn't help but smile.

"Tell us," Harley said.

"How do you know who I am?" Penguin asked. "Are you a stalker?"

"Not really. I work in Washington, too," the man in green answered.

"Oh, so you're a spouse of a politician," Crane turns to Penguin. "How exciting."

"Who's the lucky lady--?" Tetch began to ask when Two-Face opens the door from the kitchen.

Trying to change the subject, Penguin turns to Ivy. " So, what does your husband do?"

"Nothing!" she said, almost cutting him off.

"Nothing?"

"Well, he . . . just . . . lies around on his back all day."

"Sounds like hard work to me," Harley chirped up.

"How is that hard work?" Tetch looks at her.

Selina, in the kitchen, opens the partition suddenly. The noise coincides with a crash of thunder. Nygma, jumpy as ever, spills his drink again, this time on Harley. He starts to wipe off her upper chest.

"Not again! I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone." He starts to wipe off her upper chest when--

"Watch it, buster."

He stops.

Selina starts serving the main course, and it looks like… whatever it is, I don't know how to describe. The guests start eating.

"Mmm!" Penguin "mmm"-ed. "This is one of my favorite recipes!"

"I know, sir. I never eat it," Two-Face said.

Penguin ignores him and he turns to Nygma. "So, what do you do in Washington, D.C., Mr. Riddler?"

He didn't answer.

"Come on, what do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves?"

Harley became irritated. "Perhaps he doesn't want to get acquainted with you."

"That's right," Nygma agreed. "In fact the only person I want to get acquainted with is Miss Ivy herself."

He cast a coy look at Ivy. He foot suddenly kicks him in the knee, and he winced in pain.

Meanwhile, while Penguin is talking, Selina place a plate in front of Crane. His eyes gaze at her bosoms before she gives him a threatening glare.

"Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation

going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence," Penguin protested.

"Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Peacock?" Crane asked interestingly.

"Yes! What? No, why!" the bird man squawked.

"Oh, it just seems to me that you seem to suffer from what we call 'pressure of speech'."

"'We? Who's 'we'? Are you a shrink?" Harley asked.

"I'm a psychologist," he hissed. "But I do know a little bit about psychological medicine, yes."

"Are you a doctor?" Ivy asked.

"I am, but I don't practice."

Harley chuckled. "Practice makes perfect. Ha. I think most guys need a little practice, don't ya, Mr. Penguin?"

Penguin gulps, very uncomfortably.

"So what do you do, Professor?" Ivy asked again.

"I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization," Crane replied.

"Oh, no! Not another politician!" Tetch groans.

"No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization."

"UNO WHO. How original," Nygma mumbles.

"MUMBLER!" Isla teased.

"Well, what is your area of special concern?" Penguin questioned the Master of Fear.

"Family planning." Then Crane added, "Not really. I study fear and nothing else."

Then he turns to Tetch. "What about you, Colonel? Are you a real colonel?"

"Yes, I am!" the Mad Hatter grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"You're not going to mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C.?" Harley began.

Tetch's grin quickly disappears.

"How did you know that? Have we met before?"

"I've certainly seen you before," Harley gave him a wink. "Although you may not have seen me."

"So, Miss Scarlet, does this mean that you live in Washington, too?" Nygma asked.

"Sure do!"

"Why do I feel a sensation of foreboding?" Ivy said out loud.

"Does anyone here not live in Washington, D.C.?" Penguin asked the guests.

Crane perks up. "I don't."

"Yes, but you work for the United Nations," Nygma points a finger at him. "And that's a government job. And the rest of us all live in a government town. Anyone here not earn their living from the government in one way or another?"

"Um, pardon me for changing the subject here," interrupted Harley, everyone looks at her, "but why are we all wearing colorful costumes here?"

"Because," Crane snarled through his teeth, "the colors we are wearing represent the characters we are playing! Since, I'm playing Professor Plum, I'm wearing purple. Stop laughing, all of you! The next person who ridicules my attire shall have a taste of my Fear Gas!"

Everyone quickly stifled their laughter.

Jervis Tetch stands up suddenly and he turns angrily to Two-Face, who reacted very little.

"Okay, Two-Face, where's our host, and why have we been brought here?"

The doorbell rings and Two-Face exits. The guests, including Selina, and Killer Croc (from the kitchen) hear the door opening and Two-Face speaking.

"Ah, good evening. You are eagerly awaited." He greeted the off-screen guest.

"Are you lockin' me in? I'll take the key," the guest (obviously Joker) spoke up.

"Over my dead body, clownface. May I take your bag?"

"Nah. I'll leave it here 'til I need it."

"It contains evidence, I presume?"

"Surprises, my friend. That's what it contains--surprises!"

Two-Face enters the dining room, followed by Joker, who is wearing all black.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. Joker," Dent announced.

"Hello, Mistah J!" Harley greeted excitedly.

Joker gave a small, happy gasp when he saw the guests.

"Could it be! What are my old friends all doin' here?" he asked gleefully.

"Eating dinner," Two-Face told him. "Do sit down, Mr. Joker."

With lightning speed, Joker takes the head chair and sits back with ease.

"Don't mind if I do."

Selina starts to serve him

"Nah, you can take that away, pussycat."

Selina AKA Catwoman glares at him. Harley looks back at forth between Joker and Catwoman with flickering stares. Penguin hits the table, almost scaring half the guests.

"Look. I demand to know what's going on!" he yelled. "Now why have we all been dragged up to this rotten place?"

"Well." Two-Face takes out a letter. "I believe we all received a letter. My letter says,

'It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Joker will bring to an end a certain long-standing confidential and painful financial liability.' It is signed, 'A friend'."

"I received a similar letter," Nygma stated.

"So did we, didn't we, Professor Crane?" Harley indicates Crane.

"You know, I also received a letter," Joker comments. Selina starts to serve him again. "No thanks, Selina. I had pizza earlier."

"Now, how did you know her name?" Nygma asked him.

"We know each other. Don't we, babe?"

He starts to put his hand up Selina's short skirt. She recoils.

"Forgive my curiosity, Mr. Joker," Two-Face spoke up, "but did your letter say the same thing?"

"Nope."

"I see…" He turns to the group. "Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?"

They all shook their heads. Harvey Dent flips his trademark coin and it landed in his palm. He looks at it for a while then he returned his attention to the group.

"In that case, may I suggest we adjourn to the study for coffee and brandy, at which point I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions."

"Dun dun duuuuuun!" Joker sang menacingly.

"Shut up," Two-Face growled.

**Review please! No flames!**


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